Fearless
by OnTheFlipSide
Summary: "Being fearless isn't about being 100% without fear. It's about being terrified, and jumping anyway."  Taylor Swift. KOGAN SLASH. T for self harm.
1. Fearless

**Yay! My second fanfic! I'm excited. So, this is another story in which our little Logie is depressed and cutting and hopelessly in love with Kendall. But Kendall doesn't know. He loves Ally. (Based on my stupid love story.) Enjoy!=)**

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><p>That quote kept running through my head as I sat on my bed, looking at him. Staring at the beautiful blonde seemed like all I did lately.<p>

"Kendall." His name. it was music to my ears, even if I was the one saying it. Sometimes I wished he would hear. I wish he would answer.

"Logan," he'd whisper. Just then, I noticed something. I was crying.

None of the guys had ever seen me cry. Well, except for that time in fifth grade when I broke my arm in four places, but that doesn't count.

Just then, I heard James knocking on the door, "Logie?" I quickly pulled myself together, wiped my eyes, and opened the door.

"Logie?" he repeated. "I thought I heard someone crying…?"

"Uh, no. must've imagined it." I heard Carlos padding down the hall to mine and Kendall's room.

"James? Ugh, what are you doing? It's two in the morning!" said a grumpy Carlos. James took a last look at Logan and sighed, then guided Carlos back to their room.

Phew. That was a close one. I've got to learn to be quiet. Because now Kendall was stirring. Very quietly, I whispered, "Go back to sleep, Green Eyes." And he did.

The next morning I woke at a normal time. My adorable Green Eyes was still sleeping. I sighed deeply, then pushed myself out of bed so I could go make breakfast.

"LOGIEE!" Carlos screamed right before I was tackled. I started laughing hysterically.

"Yes, Carlos?" I asked, trying not to burst out laughing again.

"I smell FOOD!"

I started laughing again as James and Kendall came running in, followed by Katie and Momma Knight. The guys all fell on the food like hobos. Ah, the guys. My brothers. My best friends. That all changed when we moved to LA and I fell in love with Kendall Donald Knight.

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><p><strong>Yeah, so I feel like this was terrible. SHould I continue it or not?<strong>


	2. Jump

**Next CHapter, whether you like it or not. Have fun.=)**

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><p>Later, we were all in the Big Time Rush mobile. Luckily, Freight Train was driving us, because I was lost in my own thoughts. All I could think about was the day I realized I liked Kendall.<p>

_Flashback- September 18, 2008_

_Kendall came running into the locker room after practice. I had left practice earlier. I told coach I was sick. But I went in the locker room. Then I pulled out my blade. I only made half of one cut before Kendall ran in after me. "LOGIE, NO!" he yelled as he knocked the blade out of my hand. It had been three years since the last time I cut myself. But Green Eyes still remembered the look on my face I always got before it happened. I wasn't even bleeding, and Kendall sighed with relief. "Logie… why? I thought… I thought I had told you.." Yes.. he had told me. That didn't mean I believed him. That didn't mean I didn't still think I was worthless. That didn't mean seeing him kissing Ally was any less painful. Wait… why was that painful? Did I… did I like like Kendall? Yes. Yes I did._

It was the day I realized I was gay. It was also the day I realized I liked my best friend.

A little while later, James had forced us all to go audition for this singing thing and well, the rest is history.

I didn't fall in love until that night when Kendall was trying to decide.

I had gone over to his house like any other Friday night like always. We had sat in the tree outside his bedroom window.

Seeing the determination, helping him decide… It made me realize how much he meant to me.

How much I loved him.

I've loved him ever since.

We've been in LA for a while now.

Kendall dated Jo. At first, we all liked her, but once I got to know her a bit, I hated her.

She was terrible to Kendall and she didn't deserve him.

But he was happy, so I was okay with it.

He was devastated when she had to leave for New Zealand.

I was ecstatic. But I hid it, and comforted him.

Then he met Ally.

Ally Murray. Beautiful. Just moved here from a place she called Middle Of Freaking Nowhere, Tennessee(1). She had the accent, loved horses, just like Katie(2).

Perfect.

Just not for him.

Every time he holds her hand, it makes me sick.

Not even close to the way it makes me feel when they kiss.

But not even that can compare to when they say, "I love you."

Kendall tells me he loves me all the time. But he means it a brother way. Not the way I mean it.

"Logie?" Kendall says, snapping me out of my reverie.

I looked up at him.

"You okay? You look a little… angry."

Dang it! I wasn't hiding well enough.

"Nothing's wrong G- Kendall. I'm fine."

"…Okay," he said uncertainly.

We pulled up to Roque Records. We headed up to the studio to work on some songs.

And of course, the first two on the schedule are Worldwide and Til I Forget About You.

Third was the song Kendall wrote for Ally, Paralyzed.

Just seeing his face when he sang the first two almost made me cry.

That was nothing compared to the love I saw on his face when he sang Paralyzed.

I did something I haven't done in a long time.

I lost control.

"Oh my freaking God Kendall! Quit making your freaking puppy dog face every freaking time you sing the freaking song. I freaking get it. You freaking love Ally!" Then I punched the wall.

As soon as I realized what I had done I ran out of the studio and hid in the bathroom.

I could heard the guys saying, " What the heck was that about?" And then Kendall's voice, "Logie? C'mon Sunshine. Where are you?"

He came in the bathroom.

"Green Eyes… I'm sorry."

"For what! Wait.. Green Eyes? You know what, I don't care. Just tell me what's going on."

"No."

"You know I'll crawl under that stall door if I have to."

"No! NO! No, Ken, please."

But he was already under. He looked at my hips, took in the fresh cuts, the blade in my hand.

"Oh, Sunshine. I thought it was over."

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><p><strong>(1) This is where I live. This is also where real Ally lives, although she hates horses and is far from perfect, she is my love's love. <strong>

**(2) Ciara loves horses. So I made Katie love horses.**


	3. Taking a Fall

**This is actually just a version of the last chapter from Kendall's POV, with a little more added on. Enjoy=)**

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><p>KENDALL POV<p>

"P-p-paralyzed. You go-"

"OH MY FREAKING GOSH KENDALL. Quit making your freaking puppy dog face every freaking time you sing the freaking song. You freaking love Ally. I freaking get it!" Then he punched a wall.

I have never, ever, in my whole life seen Logie act like that.

So I followed him to the bathroom, where I know he would be. He's the most unoriginal hider ever.

"No."

So, he wouldn't tell me what was wrong.

I warned him. But I crawled under the door.

Before me was a sight I hadn't seen in years.

Logie was covered in cuts.

"Oh, Sunshine. I thought it was over."

I was devastated. I really thought Logan was better.

I honestly didn't care he just heard me call him that. That didn't matter. Logan mattered.

He burst into tears.

I have never seen him cry.

This was Logan, our rock, our problem solver, the shoulder to cry on.

So, I did what any totally insane teenage male who had a girlfriend and was hopelessly in love with his best friend since birth who had been cutting for a while that he didn't know about would do.

I kissed him.

He froze, then slowly melted.

He pulled back, "Kendall…? What… what just happened?"

I froze. My eyes widened as I realized what I'd done. "Logie, I'm so sorry. I'm an idiot oh my gosh Logie forget I did it I-"

"No."

"…What?"

"I can't forget that. I've been waiting for that my whole life."

So, when a sensible person would have gotten themselves and friend out of the bathroom stall and back to the apartment, I did what only Kendall Knight would do.

I kissed the kid again. And again. And again.

"Dang. What was that for?" Logan asked breathlessly.

"Logan… I've been thinking… and I'm not really sure I love her. I think… I need to work out my feelings for… people."

"I love you, Kendall." My eyes widened.

"Logan… you can't expect me to say I love you back, do you? I mean, I'm still figuring out… Look. Let's give it a shot. Secretly. Like secret gay agents." He laughed at that.

"I… I'll break up with Ally. Soon."

"Awesome- so let's head back to the-"

"Haha. No. The only place we're heading back to is the apartment. Me and you have some serious talking to do. Logan. I thought we got you to stop. Yet, you are cutting. And I know it's not just today, since you happened to have a razor in your pocket. How long?"

"Uhm…" He cleared his throat. "When did you and Jo start going out again?"

I choked. That long?

"Oh, Logie. You need help. Soon."

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><p><strong>So, I feel slightly bad about doing that to Logie. <strong>

***sigh***

**Whaddaya think?**


	4. Getting It Back

**So. You guys are officially allowed to hunt me down and kill me for not updating. I feel terrible, and the only reason I'm able to update right now is cause I'm sick and at home. Wow. Sigh. This chapter will be mostly dialogue, sorry. Read on! Okay, side note! I swear i posted this last Tuesday, but it didn't put ir up! I"M SO SORRYYY!**

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><p>Kendall coughed. "That long?"<p>

I somberly nodded. I glanced up from my toes and saw that he was crying. I made Kendall Knight cry! "Idiot!" I screamed at my self then slammed my head against the stall so hard I saw stars.

"Logan! Logan! What are you doing?"

"I-I made you cry," I wimpered.

"Logie, it's not your fault I'm crying. I'm crying because I did this to you. Why? Why didn't you just talk to me?"

"Come one, Kendall. It's not your fault. And, it hasn't really been that long..." I trailed off because I knew I was lying.

Kendall voiced my thoughts, "Logan. We moved here in 2008. I started dating Jo at the beginning of 2009. That's at least two years." His eyes lit up slightly like they do when he realizes something, then looked evensadde as he stroked my face. "Oh, Sunshine. That's at least two years."

"BLONDE DOG! SMALL DOG! GET OUT HE-" Gustavo pulled up short when he saw Kendall and I sitting in the floor crying.

"Gustavo," Kendall whispered, then to me, "Stay here. I'll talk to him."

Kendall stood and guided a frozen Gustavo out the door, only to find the guys and Kelly sitting on the white couch outside the bathroom. He sighed. The door swung shut. I sat there for a few minutes. I huffed. I had to know what he'd tell them. I cracked the door and looked out.

"-and I found him in the locker room and stopped him. I talked to him, and I thought it had stopped when we moved to LA. But..." So he was telling them everything then.

"But what?" wimpered Carlos.

"Gustavo... I have to tell the guys this, but I'm not going to tell you. I'm sorry, but you're just going to have to accept this. I need to ask that you'll not ask Logie about it and just give us a few days off to recover."

Gustavo just stood there, but Kelly said, "Of course Kendall. Can you call us tomorrow and update me on how he is?"

Kendall smiled in relief. "Sure, Kelly. Thanks."

She nodded and left, pulling Gustavo with her.

Once he was sure the door was shut behind them, Kendall began, "Guys, Logan's been cutting again since I started dating Jo back in 2009."

Carlos gasped and James, coming back to life, said, "But why would that break him again?"

Kendall glanced around, then looked back at the door so fast I couldn't pull back. But I nodded that he could tell them. He sighed then nodded back.

"Guys, Logan loves me."

"Of course Logan loves you, Kendall. We all love each other," said the ever clueless Carlos.

"No Carlitos, not that kind of love. Logan's gay. And he tried to deny it, but when he accepted it, it didn't help. So, thinking that he wasn't good enough for me, he started cutting. Then, seeing me with girls was just to much so he cut more."

Carlos gasped. "Logie's... gay?"

"Yeah."

He sighed. "I'm okay with it. James?"

James shook himself. "Yeah. It's fine, I'm just shocked."

"Then be prepared to be shocked some more. Cause I like Logan back."

"Whoa,"" said both the guys simoultainiously.

"So, once we get to the Palm Woods, I'd appreciate it if you'd let me and Loges talk it out in our room."

"Sure," nodded James. "We'll go get Freight Train to drive us back. I doubt Lo can right now."

He nodded in thanks then turned back to me and came back in the bathroom. He grabbed my hands, then just picked me up and put me on the sink. "Let's get you cleaned up." Then he started bandaging me as I asked him something.

"Ken? I don't think there's gonna be much to talk about. What you said out there... How'd you know? I never told you all that. You know more about me than me."

He smiled. "We still need to talk. But yeah, I just gathered that. I mean, you're my best friend. I know you better than anyone. Even James and Carlos."

"Yeah," I smiled. "I know." I grabbed him hand as he pulled me down from the counter.

"To the Palm Woods?"

"To the Palm Woods."

I sighed inwardly.

This was gonna be... fun.

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><p><strong>Eh? I know, the whole thing was dialogue, but I needed to get that point across. Oh, so you guys can hunt me down now. I'll try to update more often, I swear! Actually, I probably shouldn't swear, since I'll probably break it. Oh well. Review!<strong>


	5. The Rush Club

**And the fun begins... okay not really 'fun' exactly.. whatever. SO this chapter is also basically going to be dialogue. sorry... i suck at internal thoughts and actions.**

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><p>When we reached 2J I imediatly pulled Logan into our bedroom and sat him on his bed.<p>

"Why?"

"You know why Kendall."

"I know why you did it. I don't know why you just didn't tell me instead of making something on your hip that will haunt you for the rest of your life through its scars."

"Wow. Deep."

"Logan! Answer the question!"

"Because..."

"Why?"

"Because..."

I sighed, then stood up and grabbed his hands and pulled him into my lap.

"Logie, why won't you just tell me. I swear I won't get mad. If I do get mad, you're allowed to get Carlos to show his mean side. And we both know how bad that is." We both shuddered. After a long pause, Logan finally whispered softly,

"I was scared you'd hate me."

"For what? Why would I ever hate you? I've always to you we were best friends, always and forever."

"I just was, okay?" Then he started to cry again. He pulled himself out of my arms and laied down. I lied down beside him.

"Well, Loges, guess what?"

"What?"

"I don't hate you. Cause you're my best friend, always and forever."

Then I stood and started chanting:

_This is the Rush club. We stand tall and strong._

_Our numbers few, really just two, but together we belong._

_Always and forever, our club shall stand._

_And we shall be best friends, until the very end._

_Rushers!_

Logan slowly sat up. He wiped his tears and said, "You remember that from third grade?"

I smiled.

"Always and Forever."

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><p><strong>Very, very, very cheesy. I thought it was cute. And, irony, me and my best friend made a club in third grade (long before big time rush) and we called it the rushh club because even though i'm a girl, i've always been a huge hockey fan. This was our club song, and we did call ourselves rushers, which, here's the irony, is what big time rush fans are called today. cool, right?=)<br>REVIEW!**


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